


not this time around

by doc_pickles



Series: TS x Jolex Week [2]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Episode: s16e16 Leave a Light On, F/M, TSxJolexWeek, a taylor swift lyric for a title again? must be a day that ends in Y, jo centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:33:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26112697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doc_pickles/pseuds/doc_pickles
Summary: Could've loved you all my lifeIf you hadn't left me waiting in the coldAnd you got your share of secretsAnd I'm tired of being last to knowAnd now you're asking me to listenCause it's worked each time before(Song: You're Not Sorry)
Relationships: Alex Karev/Jo Wilson Karev
Series: TS x Jolex Week [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892239
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6
Collections: jolex x taylor swift week





	not this time around

**Author's Note:**

> Fun Fact: This song, as sad as it is, is one of my favorite Taylor songs. I went back and forth on whether I wanted to use this song but at the end of the day I really really did. And it hurt.  
> So yeah… this is sad, probably the saddest piece I wrote this week and possibly will ever write for Jolex. I had been putting off watching 16x16 (I knew what happened, I had read Alex’s letter) because I just couldn’t do it. But I did it and GOD it hurt me in ways I didn’t anticipate. Not just Jo’s hurt, but everyone’s. And the flashbacks… god it was awful.  
> But I knew i needed to watch it and I wrote this immediately after watching it. So this fic is written from my agony over Jo and Alex’s story coming to a definitive end. Without further ado, Jo’s thoughts during ‘Leave a Light On’ and my take on her processing Alex’s departure.

The heaviness that had lingered in Jo for weeks on end hit an all time low when Link handed her the letter. It was an inevitability at this point, something Jo had simultaneously prayed for and hoped would never come. She brushed off the feeling and mentally prepared herself for the harsh reality of whatever her husband had gotten himself into during the few weeks he had been away from her. 

_Dear Jo…_

Breath catching in her throat, Jo read through Alex’s letter with a streak of fear and horror coursing through her. The more she read, the worse the feeling got. The heaviness she had been feeling for so long was now replaced by the sensation of a lion sitting on her chest, unrelenting to her cries for help or relief, unmoving as she read line after line. And then, all of a sudden, the breath she had been holding back broke forward with a sob, her chest constricting tightly.

_What's also true is I'm in love with Izzie._

The words that Alex had so simply written on the lined piece of paper reached forward and grabbed Jo, holding her heart hostage as she replayed through every conversation, every word in passing over the past eight years where Alex had assured her time and time again that he had no feelings whatsoever for his ex wife. _I picture her as happy as I am with you._ Jo’s eye scanned the paper, devouring each line as if the words weren’t ripping her insides to shreds. She didn’t want to believe them, didn’t want to picture Alex somewhere in Kansas with Izzie living out the years they didn’t get to spend together.

_But Izzie had my kids. And I know you get what that really means._

Jo read the line once, twice, four times before the words had registered fully and she let the letter drop from her shaking hands. The fear that she had been hoping wasn’t real for years on end was in ink before her, the words screaming at her that she was right. Biting back the urge to vomit, Jo placed her head in her hands as she let tears stream freely down her face. She didn’t need to read the rest of the letter, not really. Because in any universe that included the possibility of Alex having children out there in the world, he would choose them over anything and everything that might stop him. 

_I wish getting everything I always wanted didn't have to hurt you in the process._

The nagging insecurity Jo had pushed back for so long came rushing back into her chest full force, almost knocking the breath out of her lungs. Why wasn’t she good enough? Not good enough for her mom, not good enough for Paul… And now she would never be good enough for Alex either. She hadn’t given him children, she hadn’t given him the family that he craved. Maybe that’s why he ran to Meredith so often, to catch fleeting moments of the feeling that he was a part of something bigger than him, bigger than them. Jo couldn't hold a candle to Izzie, to a farmhouse with muffins cooling on the windowsill, with kids running towards Alex and screaming ‘Daddy!’ as he reached his arms out to catch them.

_Oh, you deserve everything good in this life, Jo. I hope you find so much better than me._

Jo tried to read the words in front of her, but she couldn’t anymore. Her tears had blocked her vision out, the words appearing blurry as she held back one sob after another until they all broke through and she was embarrassingly sobbing in the resident’s lounge. How on earth did Alex think that there was anyone better for her than him? After the hurt and pain she had walked in this lifetime, Jo knew that the best thing in the world for her was the man who laid in her bed every night whispering promises to her and kissing her so fiercely that every kiss felt like the first one. He didn't sleep in her bed anymore though, he never would again.

Jo would never again hold him like she had so many nights, she would never feel the touch of his hand against hers as they passed in the hallways. Never again would Jo be able to relish in the way Alex’s body fit together with hers so well as they made love, she wouldn’t get to laugh at his corny jokes or make fun of him when he cried at rom coms with her. 

Because Alex was _gone._

A shaking breath escaped Jo, her hand clutching her heart as she took one deep breath. While it was true that she had been to hell and back and Alex had helped save her from that, Jo also knew that now it was her turn to save herself. The pain and agony of losing the person who meant the most to her in the world would not tear her to the ground. She had worked too hard to let herself fall now. She would hold her head high and she would move forward with grace.

Because Alex had _left._

Alex had left, he wasn’t dead and he hadn’t been forced out of her life. He had _chosen_ to leave Seattle, leave Jo, leave Meredith and the beautiful life and career he had fought tooth and nail for. And for that one distinction, for the fact that Alex had chosen a path that didn’t include her, she wouldn’t spend anymore tears on him because he wasn’t worth it. Because after they had built a life together, chosen each other more times than she could count, he had walked out.

And it wasn’t the fact that he had left her for his kids, she understood that more than anyone just as he had assumed. It was the cowardice and the pain he had inflicted on her by choosing to write a fucking letter instead of coming home and saying goodbye like a normal human being. They could’ve talked, could’ve worked their issues out. They could’ve stayed together and worked on building this new life...

But Alex didn't want that, he wanted Izzie and his kids. He wanted what Jo didn’t give him. So Jo would say goodbye silently, she would stand tall and proud and not drive to Kansas to try and drive him back to be with her like she so desperately wanted to. 

She would let Alex Karev go, even if it killed her.

_I'm sorry. I don't know how to end this. I don't want to. Goodbye._


End file.
